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Using Language as an Agent of Change

By Roseanna Almaee, Darton College

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Ghandi

Well over a year ago a co-worker and I were once again discussing the end of semester goings on of our students. The tension would start building about a week after mid-term when students started realizing that they were nearing the end of the term, and they were not prepared for the exit tests. These adults at our community college, who previously had responded to us in an adult manner, slowly began exhibiting juvenile behaviors equivalent to a pre-teen or teenager. Cheating and lying escalated along with tears, the most elaborate stories of woe, and in-our-face confrontations – and we often found ourselves falling into the trap of responding like parental figures and disciplinarians – leaving all of us frustrated and exasperated. For what seemed like years, we had accepted this behavior as normal end-of-term stress events. We had always seen ourselves as helpers and nurturers, and we thought we had done our best to ease the stress/tension and lessen the poor behaviors, but we were actually part of the behaviors by becoming the parental figures. This particular semester, I had a conversation with my daughter who introduced me to something that I thought could help us – a change in communication.

It took me a year of discussions with my daughter about her training and use of compassionate communication before I read the work of Marshall Rosenberg for myself, and I was immediately hooked. Rosenberg teaches a new way of listening and responding to people, and it is life changing. Rosenberg asks us to practice the following actions: pay attention to what people are saying beyond their words, don’t make judgments, take responsibility for our own feelings, be empathetic, ask what others need, be honest. Simple? No! Needed? Yes!

After I had read Rosenberg’s initial text, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 2nd edition, I decided to try a brief experiment in the Writing Lab where I work. When students came to me, I made an extra point of not just looking at them or in their direction, but actually making eye-contact, sometimes even removing my reading/computer glasses to connect with them. I purposefully made a point of smiling more, and inviting the student to sit next to me, and then pulling myself a little closer to talk with him/her as if in private conversation. When the student talked, I made a point of concentrating and keeping eye contact, then if I was not sure what he/she wanted, I asked, “What do you need?” Typical of Rosenberg’s examples, students often did not know what they needed – often, they just wanted someone to listen.

Rosenberg describes the four components of his work as grounded in observations, feelings, needs and requests (2005, 91), so I tried to position my work with my students in these areas. Instead of using the language of demands such as the following:

You need to do this today.
You should have already completed this work.
You must finish your work
Your work is incorrect/wrong/poor etc.

Rosenberg suggests observations and needs expressed in language such as the following:

May I help you complete your work?
How may I help you in your studies?
Can you tell me your learning problem so we can work on it together?
What do you want to work on today?
What (reading, writing, math) problem is bothering you the most?

I am no expert at using Rosenberg’s communications theories, but I can tell you that from the minute changes I made in addressing students, looking at them more directly, and listening to them more intently, that their response was positive and immediate. Within a few days, students began seeking me out more frequently and bringing more personal needs to me, which were often at the root of their learning difficulties or disrupting their learning. And their actions were noticeable to others who commented on my “magic touch”.

During my language practice with students, I discussed the work with my co-workers and they tried their hand at some of the phrases. At the end of our trial semester, my co-workers and I noticed changes in some students’ behavior. We saw less stress, less histrionics, and more seeking us out for consultation and consolation in a more mature manner. The change in just a few students worked like a ripple effect among their peers and everyone seemed to be a little calmer. We are not mean people, but we can quickly forget in the midst of our stacks of paperwork, administrative responsibilities, and endless students, that we loose ourselves and forget to be compassionate with our students.

What I see that we need is a deeper study and more work/training on using Rosenberg’s principles of compassionate communication to affect broader and more permanent change in our Writing Lab. What I see is that the work is not easy – we are too attuned to our old habits and ways of life, but we are not stones and even small changes can make big differences.

Can we document these changes? Not in quantitative degrees, so whether they really happened or not, we cannot prove anything with hard evidence. Have we changed and as Rosenberg says, “see others more beautiful” (2004, 4), or have our students really changed? Again, we cannot prove anything, but I believe we have all changed. What we do know is that when we feel stressed, we each use Rosenberg’s compassionate communication to address each other’s needs more empathetically, and we find ourselves continuing to use these with our students - and life is good.

References

Rosenberg, M. (2005). Nonviolent communication: A language of life, 2nd ed. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer Press.

Rosenberg, M. (2005). Teaching children compassionately: How students and teachers can succeed with mutual understanding. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer Press.

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