January 2004 Issue
On the Lighter Side
The
following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from a
prestigious university,
and the reply that he sent them. We will refer to this university as ABC. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their
correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment
letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got
a letter from ABC. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider
carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator
that you might well be an excellent candidate for ABC. It certainly got my
attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer
more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive
sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and
demanding, but it's also fun. ABC students are imaginative and creative - inside
and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! ABC has more varsity teams - 39 - than
almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody
can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you
there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique
institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled
brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the
form.
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
ABC Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've
got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would
be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully
consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he
will choose only one of the thousands of
accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful
indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John
Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my
interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from
object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the
country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent
and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing -
whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 -
than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for
you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance
of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John
Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
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