May 2003 Issue
On the Lighter Side
Improving
the English Language!
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest
using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities
would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse
both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this
klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish
have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the
horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop
them and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem
began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.
Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud
finali hav kum tru.
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